Hogwarts, the movie
by storytellers
Summary: I'M BACK! In a different world Guilderoy Lockhart decides to make a movie about Hogwarts, annoying all other characters to death in the process.
1. DAY ONE

Disclaimer:I own nothing except for my far too big imagination.:-)

A/N:U know the deal gyes,first fic,crazy fic,I'm just testing the ground,please R AND R to tell me how stupid I am.I won't be at all touched.

THE MAKING OF "HOGWARTS, THE MOVIE"

Day 1

LOCKHART : Come on everyone, let's take it from the top. (claps several times to get everyone's attention) We'll begin with the first scene and...er...We'll finish with the last!

SNAPE: (sarcasticly) How ingenious.

LOCKHARTt: Let's get started.

The camera shows Hogwarts from far away and then it starts to get closer. Meanwhile we hear the gentle voice of Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE (gently): " Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry is very fine. I like the castle wich is made of stones. There is grass. Not in the castle. Outside.It's green .I mean the grass. And there is..."

LOCKHART: CUT!!! What on Earth is this? That's not my script!

NEVILLE: rises his hand Er, sorry. I think that's my composition. The script is over there under the table.

HARRY (somewhat dumfounded): But why would you write a composition about Hogwarts?

NEVILLE: (shyly): Er... I'm writting a book.

HARRY (positively dumfounded): A book? YOU are writting a BOOK?!

NEVILLE (offended): Why not? My writting is not worse than his! points at Lockhart

SNAPE (nods approvingly): That's for sure. You might be an idiot but your composition sounded a lot better than the original script.

SIRIUS (impatiently): OK, can we get started now? I'm hungry. We were supposed to shoot this scene in the morning while the sun was rising above the castle. It's 2pm now and we haven't had lunch!"

LOCKHART(desperately): I'm an artistic drop in a sea of ignorance!

EVERYONE: (clasp their hands on their mouths in order not to laugh but the only result is a chorus of prehistorical sounds)

Lockhart (not noticing): Let's try again. Dumbledore, do you have the real script now? OK. Camera, action!

The camera shows Hogwarts from far away and then it starts to get closer. Meanwhile we hear the gentle voice of Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE (gently): "The magnificent sunrise is stroking gently the tall towers of Hogwarts school of Wichcraft and Wizardry.The castle awakens to greet the dawn. Everything is soooo wonderful and peaceful..."

SIRIUS: (pretends to be throwing up in front of the camera)

LOCKHART: CUT!!!! You've ruined everything!

SNAPE (mentor-like): Yes, Sirius, you've ruined the image of the "sunrise, stroking jently the towers"... whatever that means.

LOCKHART: Now we'll have to do it again!

DUMBLEDORE: (rolles his eyes)

LOCKHART: OK, camera, action!

ONCE AGAIN the camera shows Hogwarts from far away and then it starts to get closer. Meanwhile we hear the not-so-gentle-any-more voice of Dumbledore.

Dumbledore (not-so-gently-any-more): "The magnificent sunrise..."

HAGRID: (looks at his watch and sniggers) LUNCH TIME EVERYONE!

SIRIUS: About time!

EVERYONE: (head quckly towards the castle and leave Lockhart alone)

LOCKHART: (tries to compose himself) Okaaaaaaayyyy. We'll shoot it after lunch.

END OF DAY 1

A/N:Er...No comment... Please review.


	2. DAY TWO, PART ONE

THE SHHOTING OF HOGWARTS THE MOVIE

Disclaimer: Blablabla, JKR owns everything, I'm not making any money.

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed... I mean, thanks to the only person who reviewed so far- sumrandumperson, thank you. I think this is getting even crazier. I you guys have any ideas about the movie, shre them, I might use them. As long as you don't require payment.

DAY TWO, PART ONE

Time: 5:30 am, supposedly at sunrise.

Place: Outside Hogwarts.

Weather: Horrible- there's a wild storm.

Everyone is standing in the pouring rain looking rather murderously at Lockhart, who's wearing a purple raincoat. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Neville are gathered under Hagrid's pink umbrella betting on wether or not they're going to finish the scene today.

HERMIONE: It has to be today! We already lost a whole day!

NEVILLE: I bet a galleon that we won't finish it.

RON: (indignantly) It's not fair! I'm catching a cold and we're only here to walk through a stupid door! They can't make us go out in the storm like this! This is a school! They're supposed to make sure nothing bad happens to us!

HARRY: (sarcasticly) Yeah, that beacause we find ourselves in mortal peril at the end of every year.

LOCKHART:OK, the camera's working. ACTION!

DUMBLEDORE: (soaked wet, shouting over the storm) "The magnificent sunrise is stroaking jently the tall towers of..."

LOCKHART: (also shouting)CUT! Speak up! I can't hear you because of the wind!

DUMBLEDORE: "THE BLOODY SUN IS RISING..."

SNAPE: (wearing an expresion wich would have been very scary if not for the water pouring all over him) WHAT sun??? Has anyone noticed that we're in the middle of a bloody storm here?!

LOCKHART: Well, it's not my fault we didn't shoot the scene yesterday! We can't delay it any more, we HAVE to do it now!

SIRIUS: (for once agreeing completely with Snape) What we HAVE to do is get back to the castle before we all drawn!

LOCKHART: (determindly) We will. As soon as we shoot the scene.

DUMBLEDORE: (extreamly annoyed at having to do this for two days in a row and suddenly looking uncharacteristically dangerous) Excuse me but that's not going to happen. I will not read those lines again. Not even once! I might say "Nitwit, Blubber, Oddment, Tweak" if you like but I will not say this! (points at thesheets in his hand)

LOCKHART: But how is "Nitwit, Blubber, Oddment, Tweak" better?

DUMBLEDORE: Because it makes no sence whatsoever and there for might be confised with something very wise. I will not try to convince people the sun is rising over the castle when the only thing rising in hear is my desire to quit being a kind old man and become a serial killer who's main victims are brainless directors!

LOCKHART: ( not at all taking the hint) But it's in the script!

SNAPE: (loosing his temper and snatching the script from Dumbledore) For Merlin's sake! I should have stayed a Death Eater! It's healthier! (scribbling furiously something on the back of the script and then giving it back to Dumbledore) There! Now let's finish this damned thing. I'm soaked!

SIRIUS: (merrily) Look at the bright side of it. You can't tell how greasy you hair is when it's so wet.

Sirius ducks to avoid Snape's fist, the two start fighting. Meanwhile Dumbledore looks approvingly at Snape's writting.

DUMBLEDORE: OK, that's good enough.

LOCKHART: What did he write?

SIROUS: (while trying to poke Snape in the eye) Nevermind! If you shout "cut" this time I'm gonna cut you throat.

LOCKHART: (surprisingly taking the hint this time) Er... OK. Camera, action!

DUMBLEDORE: "The magnificent stormy clouds are gathering around the tall towers of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry but the forces of nature cannot disturb the peace and quiet inside. The classrooms and corridors would have been filled with students and teachers if they weren't all snoring in their beds because of the early hour."

SIRIUS: (Laughing his head off, looking at Snape) You wrote that?

DUMBLEDORE: Hogwarts has always been a home for it's students for here they can sence the spirit of love and uderstanding. The people here are warm, friendly and forgiving..."

SIRIUS AND SNAPE: (rolling on the ground in front of the camera clutching at each other's throaths)

LOCKHART: (meaning to shout "cut" bit remembering Sirius' words) ...!!!

SIRIUS AND SNAPE: (rolling away)

DUMBLEDORE: "Hogwarts has produced many great people but there were four students called Harry Potter, Ron Weasly, Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom who were destined to change the fate of the world from the moment they walked through these gates."

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE AND NEVILLE: (walk trhough the gates and get into the castle)

DUMBLEDORE: "But they could have never fulfilled their destiny withouth the help of two remarkable men. Sirius Black and Severus Snape."

SIRIUS AND SNAPE: (both wet covered in mud from rolling on the groundstanding on top of the stone steps and striking heroical poses).

DUMBLEDORE: "And this is how our story begins..."

END OF SCENE 1

EVERYONE: (with a terrible lack of enthusiasm) Yey.

HERMIONE: (inside the castle, peering through the gates) We finished it! You own me a galleon, Neville!

NEVILLE: Yeah, OK. All I care about right now is a hot shower.

HARRY: I can't believe we actually did it! That seemed harder than fighting Voldemort.

RON: Don't get overexcited. We're shooting another scene in the afternoon.

HARRY: Duh... Ron?

RON: What?

HARRY: You didn't flinch when I said "Voldemort".

RON: Who cares about old Voldie?! I'll be just fine if you don't mention a sertain blond nightmare's name.

HARRY: Who? Lockhart?

RON: (shudders) I told you not to say it!

HERMIONE: (impressed) Wow, Harry, you really ARE brave!

END OF DAY TWO, PART ONE


	3. DAY TWO, PART TWO

THE SHOOTING OF HOGWARTS, THE MOVIE

Disclaimer: JKR owns everything.

A/N: Thanks for the nice reviews, guys! For someone who's just starting to write fanfiction it's really encouraging. And sorry for any spelling mistakes I missed correcting. This scene goes almost according Guilderoy's plan.

DAY TWO, PART TWO

Setting: The great hall, the students have just finished lunch and are going out in groups.

Unbelievably, the shooting of the next scene has started on time and without any serious accidents. While Dumbledore is reading his lines Harry and Lockhart are talking quietly away from the camera.

HARRY: How am I supposed to look when I rush to help Neville?

LOCKHART: You're supposed to be shocked at Draco's evilness.

HARRY: Shocked, right.

LOCKHART: You feel the anger boiling inside you...

HARRY:Angry, got it.

LOCKHART: ...and you're determined to stop his terrible plot!

HARRY: Shocked, angry, determined! (frowning, thinking hard) Er... Wich one of the three?

LOCKHART: Well, all of them if you can!

DUMBLEDORE: " ...And let me tell you now how our heroes came to know each other.

The first to cross paths were Potter the Noble and Longbottom the Powerful when Malfoy the Evil had stolen Longbottom's soon-to-be bestseller composition about Hogwarts, plotting to present it as his own and start a foundation on Voldemort's name to support the families of Death Eaters killed by Voldemort himself as a result of his stomachache. "

NEVILLE: (threateningly) Give it back, Malfoy!

DRACO: (evilly) No!

NEVILLE: (tries to take his composition but Draco is higher than he and is holding it in the air out of reach).

DRACO: (close to insanity) Bwahahaha! The composition is MINE!!!!!

HARRY: (spotting the situation, trying to look shocked, angry and determined at the same time)

SNAPE: (Despite himself starts laughing like mad at the look on Harry's face and knocks off the camera wich falls to the ground)

LOCKHART: (is about to shout "cut")

SIRIUS: (covers Lockhart's mouth with his hand)

HARRY, NEVILLE AND DRACO: (not wanting to shoot the scene again look at each other, shrug and drop to the floor where the camera is, continuing the act from that position)

HARRY: (from the floor) Give the composition back, you filthy little cockroach!

HERMIONE: (off screen, indignantly) Hey, that was my only cool line!

DRACO: (also from the floor) Never!

HARRY: (pulls out his wand)

DRACO: (simply punches him in the face)

HARRY: (faints rather dramatically)

NEVILLE: Hey! You don't punch a guy with a glasses! ( kicks Draco repeatedly kung-fu style wich tirns out pretty hard considering they're both on the floor and trying to stay in front of the fallen camera)

DRACO: (faints trying to look more dramatic than Harry)

NEVILLE: (points his wand at Harry) Innervate!

HERMIONE: (off screen) Wasn't it "Ennervate"?

SNAPE: Yes. He got the wrong spell. This was the spell to make you nervous.

HARRY: (jerks his head, looks around nervously and starts biting his nails)

NEVILLE: Thank you for your help, my noble friend!

HARRY: (still biting at his nails) Mphmph, mph! Mphmphmph mph mph.

NEVILLE: ( looking a little confused but trying to save the situation) Er... You say your name is Potter the Noble?! Mine is Longbottom the Powerful!

HARRY: Mph!

NEVILLE: Yes, I feel this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship!

Appropriate music starts playing as Neville helps Harry (who's still biting his nails) stand up and they both exit the great hall heading in the direction of the hospital wing.

END OF SCENE

LOCKHART: We have to shoot it again! The camera fell down!

SIRIUS: But they still managed to stay on screen so it's not really a problem. And anyway, Harry's in no shape for shooting.

SNAPE: (sniggering) Well yes, we have to think about the boy, right? And since Potter will need some time to recover and we need him fresh as a cucumber for the next scene I suggest we stop for today.

LOCKHART: (looking suspiciously at him, then sighing heavilly) All right. This time. But remember that this is a small budget movie. We've only rented the camera for ten days. Understood? All I want is a little respect from you! A little cooperation! Is anybody listening? (realises everyone has left the Great hall and he's standing alone in the middle of it) I need a butterbeer.

END OF DAY TWO, PART TWO


	4. DAY THREE

THE SHOOTING OF HOGWARTS, THE MOVIE

DAY THREE

Disclaimer: JKR owns it all. I'm making no money.

A/N: Please, review, guys, flames are welcome! The more you review the faster I update.

Time: Around 10am.

Place: The DADA classroom.

LOCKHART: (leaning over the teacher's desk and eyeing each of the people in the room) OK, now listen carefully. There will be no compromises today! Understood? I want to shoot at least one decent scene and I WILL even if that's the last thing I ever do. If any of you does funny stuff in front of the camera, stuff that's not in the script, we shoot the whole thing all over again until everyone does right. Now let's get to work.

HARRY: (shaking his head) Poor old Lockhart really got it bad.

RON: Well, I knew he was mad all the time but nobody listened.

LOCKHART: NO MORE TALKING!!!!! CAMERA, ACTION!!!!!

NEVILLE: (whispering while taking his place) Ron's right! Five exclamation marks are the sure sign of madness!!!

SIRIUS: (enters the room) : Good morning, class, I'm your new DADA professor, professor... Er... Smith.

CLASS: (hesitantly) Er... Good morning, professor... Smith?

SIRIUS: Today we're going to talk about the Dark Arts. (threateningly) HAS ANY OF YOU SEEN ANY DARK WIZARDS LATELY???

CLASS: No, sir!

SIRIUS: (a little more calm) You sure? OK. If you do see any of them, report to me immediately.

HARRY: Why?

SIRIUS: (whispering so loudly that he's probably heard even outside the castle) Because, this may come to you as a shock but I'm not really professor Smith!

CLASS: ( not as shocked as expected) Ooooh!

SIRIUS: My name is Sirius Black and I'm an Auror working under cover. We have information that there's an evil wizard among the students.

HARRY AND NEVILLE: (exchanging looks, than looking at Malfoy the Evil who has his feet on his desk and is rading a book wich is entitled in BIG RED letters " The basics of being evil- a beginner's guide to the Dark Arts" ) Noooo, really?

SIRIUS: Yes, yes, I know it sounds unbelievable! But I think I know who it might be!

HARRY AND NEVILLE: Really?

DRACO: (puts down the book and secretly puts his hand in his pocket for his wand)

SIRIUS: (takes out his wand and point it at... Ron.) You, get up! You're a Death Eater!

RON: I am?

DRACO: (Slaps his forehead and starts laughing silently, holding up a sign saying "What a jerk!")

HARRY AND NEVILLE: Er... Mister Auror... (they try to make Sirius look at Draco who is now dancing around the room, holding a big flashing sign, saying "IT'S ME! IT'S ME! I'M EVIL!" but Sirius ignores them)

SIRIUS: Come on, hands up, you... you... Bad boy!

DRACO: (rolls on the floor laughing)

RON: (raises his eyebrows) Bad boy?

SIRIUS: Er, yeah, gotta keep the rating G.

HARRY: Excuse me, but I don't think this is the man you're looking for.

SIRIUS: Huh? Why not?

NEVILLE: Well, you see that boy over there, the one that's holding the sign saying "I'M EVIL!"? He tried to steal my composition earlier today in order to present it as his own and use the money for a Death Eater-friendly cause. Do you think he could be your guy?

SIRIUS: (thoughtfully) Hm, yes, yes, he could be... Hey, you!

DRACO: (jumps up and looks murderously at Harry and Neville) You'll never catch me, BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! (throws the book about the Dark Arts he was previously reading at Sirius and runs from the room)

SIRIUS: (ducks to avoid the book and runs after him)

THE BOOK: (hits Lockhart square in the face and he passes out)

RON: (gratefully) Thanks for helping me guys!

HARRY: Don't mention it.

RON: I am Weasly the Wise, by the way.

NEVILLE: I'm Longbottom the Powerful and this is Potter the Noble. We defend justice and help the innocent. Would you like to join our ranks?

RON: (looking around) Your ranks?

NEVILLE: Er... Well, the two of us.

RON: Sure, OK.

HARRY, RON AND NEVILLE: (exit the room to the same heroical music from the last scene)

END OF THE SCENE

EVERYONE: Hurray! We did it!

HARRY: Let's get to the next one! Professor Lockhart, what are we shooting now? Professor Lockhart?

LOCKHART: (does not respond because he's still unconsious)

RON: I think he's been knocked out by Draco's book.

LOCKHART: (moans)

NEVILLE: Professor? Are going to shoot the next scene?

LOCKHART: No. No more shooting today.

HARRY: But I thought you said...

LOCKHART: FORGET WHAT I SAID! Take me to the hospital wing.

DRACO: (who's already back in the room along with Sirius) We could shoot without you if you don't feel well. (grins innocently).

LOCKHART: Through my dead body!!

SIRIUS: Tempting, but no. As I said earlier, we've gotta keep the rating G. Help me carry him. We're done for today.

END OF DAY THREE


	5. DAY FOUR

THE SHOOTING OF HOGWARTS, THE MOVIE

Disclaimer: JKR owns everything Harry Potter related.

A/N: Sorry I'm a little slow at updating lately but I'm working on my original story. I WILL finish this. don't worry.

DAY FOUR

Time: Around 4 pm.

Place: The dungeons, the Potions classroom.

LOCKHART; Alright, Ron this is the scene when you see Hermione for the first time, you're captured by her beautiful eyes and you immediately fall in love with her.

RON: Er...

HERMIONE: Er...

LOCKHART: There's no dialog so you should be fine. Also we have a new operator. Hagrid got eaten by a giant monster. He-he.

EVERYONE: (shocked silence)

HARRY: Wh-what do you mean, he got eaten?

LOCKHART: What? Oh... You thought...? He-he, don't worry, Hagrid's OK.

HRMIONE: How can he be OK if he was eaten.

LOCKHART: No, you see, the monster swallowed him whole. Sirius and Dumbledore are trying to get him out.

RON: How're they gonna do that?

LOCKHART: Well, they're gonna...

SNAPE: For heaven's sake, don't answer that question!!! I don't want to know!

LOCKHART: Well, neither does Hagrid.

HARRY: But who's the new operator?

LOCKHART: Oh, that would be Mr.Crabbe.

EVERYONE: Crabbe?

CRABBE: (pops out from behind the camera, grins sheepishly and waves)

EVERYONE:(groan) We're doomed.

LOCKHART: Alright now, just don't forget this whole scene is in slow motion. But we broke the camera yesterday when Snape knocked it off and now it can't do slow motion so you'll just have to move very slowly.

EVERYONE: Er...

LOCKHART: Is everyone ready to begin?

RON: No! Wait! (reads the script, his ears turn a bright shade of pink and he whispers in Lockhart's ear) It says here I'm supposed to kiss her!

LOCKHART: So?

RON: Well... How am I supposed to do that?

LOCKHART: What? Oh, crap! You don't know...?

HERMIONE: Know what?

LOCKHART: He doesn't know how to...

RON: (covers Lockhart's mouth with a hand) Nothing. Did you read the script?

HERMIONE: No. Should I?

RON: NO!!!

SNAPE: What's going on here? Are we going to shoot this thing or what?

LOCKHART: (removes Ron's hand from his mouth and whispers to Snape) The boy doesn't know how to kiss.

SNAPE: (exasparate) Dear Lord! What else is gonna happen? Come with me, Weasly! (drags Ron inside his office and shuts the door)

HERMIONE: What are they doing in there?

LOCKHART: You don't want to know.

RON AND SNAPE: (come out of the offise in a few minutes)

HARRY: What were you doing there with my best friend?

SNAPE: Teaching him how to kiss.

HARRY:?!!

SNAPE: Only on theory, you idiot!

HARRY: (sighs in relief) Oh.

LOCKHART: Alright, are you finally ready? OK. Action!

(Romantic music starts playing and the camera shows... er... ehem.)

LOCKHART: CUT! CUTCUTCUTCUTCUT!!!!! Crabbe! Why are you pointing the camera at... well... Professor Snape's... er... backside?

SNAPE: What???

CRABBE: Don't know. Why? Should't I?

SNAPE AND LOCKHART: NO!!!

LOCKHART: (puts a script under his nose) Here, read this... Oh, never mind, it will take you ages. I'll just stand right beside you and tell you where to point the camera, OK? Let's try again. And don't forget the slow motion. Action!

(Romantic music starts playing again)

RON: (/in slow motion/ whistles to himself while stirring his cauldron, then lifts his head, sees Hermione and his eyes widen)

HERMIONE: (/in slow motion/ shakes her head and her big bushy hair goes all over the place.)

LOCKHART: Yes, yes! Now you look into her eyes! Flutter your eyelashes, Hermione! An accent on her eyes! I want an accent on her eyes!

HARRY: (holds a magical magnifying glass in front of the camera and all we can see is Hermione's extreamly enlarged eyes.)

RON'S CAULDRON: (starts smoking, because Ron has stopped stirring it)

SNAPE: (/in slow motion/walks to the cauldron and bends over it)

RON'S POTION: (explodes in Snape's face)

SNAPE: (/in slow motion/starts screaming angrilly but soundlessly while the music becomes more intense)

RON: (/in slow motion/ rushes to Hermione, grabs her hand and they both start running)

SNAPE: (screams very slowly)

RON AND HERMIONE: (run very slowly)

SNAPE: (screams very slowly)

RON AND HERMIONE: (run very slowly)

SNAPE: (screams very slowly)

RON AND HERMIONE: (run very slowly)

HARRY: (yawns)

RON AND HERMIONE: (finally exit the room and the camera follows them. They stop in the corridor)

RON: (grabs Hermione and starts kissing her)

HERMIONE'S EYES: (widen)

RON: (is kissing her... is kissing her... is kissing her... is STILL kissing her)

HARRY: It seems you explained that theory of yours very well, professor Snape.

LOCKHART: OK, OK, enough. I think her face is turning purple. CUT!

END OF SCENE

RON: How did I do?

LOCKHART: Brilliant! I think this is the best scene so far!

HERMIONE (still gasping for breath) AND SNAPE (wiping potion off his face): Yeah, that's what you say!


	6. DAY FIVE BREAKFAST, TURNING POINT

THE SHOOTING OF HOGWARTS, THE MOVIE

Disclaimer: JKR owns everything Harry Potter related.

A/N: Sorry this is so short and not funny but it's a turning point for the whole fic.

DAY FIVE BREAKFAST, TURNING POINT

Everyone's having breakfast in the Great hall before they start shooting when Dolores Umbridge suddenly appears.

UMBRIDGE: (giggles) Shooting, are you?

HARRY: (angrily) Yes, we are!! And what are you doing here?

UMBRIDGE: Well, you see, the ministry is quite worried about the quantity of magic you're using for this fic.

LOCKHART: What do you mean?

UMBRIDGE: Well, you're out of st. Mungo's, Black is alive Snape is not in Azkaban... This kind of thing.

SNAPE: Wait a minute, why should I be in Azkaban?

UMBRIDGE: Welll, because after You-know-who's return we can't allow ex- Death Eaters to walk around free.

SNAPE: But I'm a spy for the Light!

UMBRIDGE: The minister doesn't think so.

SIRIUS: But Rowling said there's gonna be a new minister of magic!

UMBRIDGE: But for now, there isn't. So, if you don't finish the movie before the 10 days deadline and convince our expert...

LOCKHART: What exper?

UMBRIDGE: The one we're sending you. If you don't convince him that it was all worth it, Lockhart's going back to hospital, Snape's going to jail and Black's gonna be dead for the rest of his... erm... Death. And we'll make it so that no fanfiction author is ever able to change that. There will be no more resuractions, redemptions or any such nonsence. We'll make sure to think up some horrible fate for each and every one of you.

EVERYONE: (look horrified)

UMBRIDGE: If I were you I'd try to finish that movie in time and make it very good, good enough to imrpess our expert. Not that its possible. (giggles) Buy, buy!

EVERYONE: (look at each other and rush out of the Great hall to start shooting immediately)

SNAPE: (remains at the table banging his head) Damn it (bang) damn it (bang) damn it (bang).

HAGRID: (arrives at the Great hall, he's just taken his seventh bath after being... er... pulled out of the giant monster) Hullo, professor Snape! Nice mornin' ain't it? The movie's goin' pretty well too! Slow, I'd say, but well. But it ain't no matter if we're goin' a bit slow, nobody's chasin' us, right? An' if it doesn't turn out that brilliant, it wouldn't matter, cuz nobody's gonna judge us that hard, we're all just have a good laugh. That's what I like about it! We're only doin' it for pleasure, it's no matter of life and death.

SNAPE: (bang) Hagrid, (bang) shut (bang) UP!!! (bang) And let's catch up with the others cuz we better shoot at least five scenes today. And to think that I considered spying on the Dark Lord a tough job! Come on, MOVE! ( suddenly his face drops) Oh, it's no use. We're never gonna make it.

A/N: Uh-oh! Our guys are in big trouble this time! And all of us fan-fiction authors too! We'll be banned from giving our favourite characters a chance at a better life even in fanfiction! Oh, I hope they manage to finish that movie! (Yes, I'm the author but I don't know if they will, this fic's going in it's own direction, if it comes to me this way, they won't make it!) You better review to support them! Otherwise, they're doomed!


	7. DAY FIVE

THE SHOOTING OF HOGWARTS, THE MOVIE

Disclaimer: JKR owns Harry Potter and everything related to him and his world.

A/N: Thank you, thank you so much for the nice reviews! I'm speachless :-#

Er, and... WARNING: I'm not sure if I should change the rating of this chapter. Personally I don't think I should. But there are some sexual jokes here, so be warned.

DAY FIVE

Time: Very early in the morning.

Place: Somewhere in the Forbidden forest.

LOCKHART: Come on, just a little bit farther. Don't be such grannies! Hurry up! You heard that evil woman. If we don't do a very good job very fast we're doomed!

EVERYONE: Shut up.

LOCKHART: You know, maybe we'll all cheer up if we sing a little. And we'll walk faster too if we're singing! Come on, after me! (starts singing merrily but awfully out of tune)

When you're happy and you know it clap your hands (clap, clap)

When you're happy and you know it clap your hands (clap, clap)

When you're happy and you know it and you really wanna show it,

Whe you're happy and you know it...

(notices the murderous look on the others' faces) On the other hand, maybe singing wasn't such a good idea.

HARRY: I think Lockhart's become a lot smarter since we first started shooting. He's taking on hints now!

LOCKHART: Well, here we are. (gestures towards a clearing)

HERMIONE: OK, here we are but why are we here?

RON: Yeah, you still haven't told us what scenes we have planned for today.

LOCKHART: Oh, there are five of them we need to shoot today in order to complete the whole thing on time. The first one's when You-know-who gets his body back. You know, the famous scene at the end of Goblet of Fire?

HARRY: Er, yeah, you could say I know. But who's playing Voldemort?

SIRIUS: (grumpily) I am. And I don't understand why I should.

NEVILLE: You're complaining? I'm supposed to play Pettigrew!

LOCKHART: Come now, we can't call the real people to play themselves in this case, can we?

SNAPE: (smirking) Why not? This author's crazy enough.

LOCKHART: OK, enough out-of-plot comments! We don't have time for this!

SNAPE: You mean this thing actually has a plot?

LOCKHART: I said ENOUGH! Shut up and take the white paint out of my bag. We have to make Sirius look like You-know-who.

SIRIUS: (putting on red contacts) That's not possible, I'm too good-looking.

LOCKHART: We'll see about that. First of all, you should be bald.

SIRIUS: You're not shaving my hair!!!!

SIRIUS FANGIRLS: (voices sound out of nowhere) You shave his hair and you're dead!

LOCKHART: No, no, I'm not shaving his hair. Snape, could you search my bag again? Look for one of those stupid rubber things muggle swimmers put on their heads.

Snape: (takes it out grinning) This?

LOCKHART: Exactly.

SIRIUS: BUT IT'S PINK!!!

LOCKHART: Yes, well, it's all we have. Either this or we really have to shave your hair.

SIRIUS: (groans and puts it on)

SNAPE: (bursts out laughing)

SIRIUS: (glares at him but then sighs) I can't blame you. What's next?

LOCKHART: Take your clothes off.

SIRIUS: (looks like he's just swallowed a slug) What???

EVERYONE: What???

SIRIUS FANGIRLS: Wha... Oooooooooh!

LOCKHART: Well, You-know-who wasn't wearing a T-shirt when he gained his body back, was he, Harry?

HARRY: Er, well, no. He was kinda... nacked.

HERMIONE: Oh. I hadn't thought about that, Harry. You must have gone through a real shock.

HARRY: You mean, apart from seeing Cedric die and being tied up and having my arm cut?

HERMIONE: Well, yeah. Was he... gifted?

RON: Hermione!!!!!!!!

HERMIONE: OK, OK, not that I'm really interested! Just curious.

SIRIUS: I'm not taking my clothes off! We have to keep the rating...

LOCKHART: G, I know, I know, you say it all the time! Since when are you so conserned about these things.

SIRIUS: (indignantly) I'd like you to know that I'm not the way everyone describes me! I'm actually a responsible man, very conserned with the moral of the new generation!

SIRIUS FANGIRLS: Yeah, right! We wouldn't like you if you were!

LOCKHART: Besides, I don't think it would really change the rating. You-know-who appeared nacked in the book after all.

SIRIUS: Yes, but that was not specificaly mentioned!

LOCKHART: Allright then, we won't describe this scene in the fic. Nor will we describe any of the other scenes we're shooting today, because they contain violence. Happy? Now get undressed and let Snape paint you white.

SIRIUS: NO! NONONONON! Not Snape!!!!!

SNAPE: Definitely not me!!!

LOCKHART: (sighs) Fine then, do it yourself. Sorry, readers, but for you this chapter ends here.

Same evening. It's already dark. Our heroes have just finished the last scene for the day and are trying to find their way in the dark, scary, dangerous Forbidden forest.

LOCKHART: When you're happy and you know it...

SNAPE: If you don't shut up this instant...

A SOUND: (is heard)

EVERYONE: AAAAAARGHH!!!!!

HERMIONE: Calm down! It's just an owl!

SIRIUS: Lockhart, if get out of this alive, I'm gonna kill you!

SIRIUS FANGIRLS: Boooooooooo!

EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!

SIRIUS FANGIRLS: (giggle) That was just us!

SNAPE: Could you please get them out if this fic? Why are they here anyway?

AUTHOR: (shrugs) No point really. But since you're my favourite character, I'll try to keep them away.

SNAPE: But if I'm your favourite character, how come you let HIS fangirls in the fic?

SIRIUS: You have NO fangirls, Snivellus!

AUTHOR: You mean to tell me I'm not a girl?

SIRIUS: Er... I'll shut up now.

AUTHOR: To answer your question, Severus, his fangirls are a bit easier to controll than yours. Now, if I wre you, I'd concentrate on getting out of this forest.

HARRY: You're not gonna get us out?

AUTHOR: No, you'll have to do it yourselves... Boooooooo!

EVERYONE: AAAAAARGHH!

AUTHOR: (giggles)

END OF DAY FIVE


	8. DAY SIX, PART ONE

THE SHOOTING OF HOGWARTS, THE MOVIE

Disclaimer: JKR owns them all.

A/N: I'M BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, sorry, I'm really sorry but I simply didn't have a computer for a long time! I said I'd finish this and I will! Also sorry this is short but I'm warming up after a long period of not writting it.

DAY SIX

Breakfast at the great hall, Snape is reading the script when he suddenly sees something unexpected in it.

SNAPE: WHAT???!!! LOCKHART!!!

LOCKHART: (under his breath) Oh, yes I expected that.

SNAPE: (points at the script) What is this?

LOCKHART: The script?

SNAPE: I know it's the script! It's what's in it that bothers me!

EVERYONE: What? What is it? What has he written this time?

SNAPE: I die, that's what.

EVERYONE:...

SNAPE: It's not fair! Why should I die?

LOCKHART: Because when You-know-who/ aka Sirius is about to kill Harry, you jump in front of him and save him. It's very heroic.

SNAPE: But I don't wanna die!

SIRIUS: Huh, get used to it, pal. You're spying on Voldemort, it's bound to happen.

SNAPE: Nobody knows that except Rowling! Why can't Sirius die instead?

LOCKHART: Well, he plays You-know-who. He can't kill himself. AND he already died once in the book. If we don't finish the movie on time he'll stay dead forever and you'll only go to Azkaban.

SNAPE: I don't care, I'm not doing it!

DUMBLEDORE: Severus, now isn't the time! We're in a hurry! Come on, I'll let you teach DADA once a month.

SNAPE: I said no.

HARRY: Well, Professor Lockhart, if you don't mind, I have an idea.

Later in the Forbidden forest where the previews scene was shot.

LOCKHART: OK, action!

A/N You get to see what they shot next time. Review to welcome me back... or don't.


	9. DAY SIX, PART TWO

THE SHOOTING OF HOGWARTS, THE MOVIE

Disclaimer: JKR owns them all.

DAY SIX, PART TWO

The Forbidden forest. Shooting has already started.

SNAPE(off screen): So is anyone going to tell me WHAT Potter's idea is? 'Cause I already told you I'm not dying.

HERMIONE: Don't worry, professor, just jump in front of Harry and we'll take care of the rest. Gotta say it's a bit crazy though.

Meanwhile on screen.

SIRIUS/aka VOLDY: I'm going to kill you, you... bad boy!

LOCKHART: CUT!!! Sirius, why are you calling him "bad boy"?! I believe it was "little scum" in the script.

SIRIUS: Well, the rating, you know...

SNAPE(snickering): Sirius, have you noticed that you are nacked? Calling him a "bad boy" under the circumstances... Thew rating jumps right up, he-he.

SIRIUS(blushes under the white paint he's covered in): Oh... Er...

SLASH LOVERS: YAY!!!

NEVILLE: Hey, you, author, why did you let them here?! They'll start pairing us all now! They'll probably pair ME with the giant squid!

AUTHOR: Only if we assume the giant squid is male. Anyway, I've decided to let everyone who wants to attend the shooting today.

SIRIUS (trying to hide behind a bush): What???? Why today? Couldn't you pick a time when I was dressed.

AUTHOR: I could. But no one would come.

LOCKHART: Excuse me! We have precious little time without the very author of this fic wasting it! Let's get on with the blasted movie! Sirius, you call Harry "little scum" and that's final. Let them sue us for the rating! ACTION!

SIRIUS: I'm going to kill you, you little scum!

(camera points to Harry)

SNAPE(jumps in front of Harry): NO!

HERMIONE(jumps in front of Snape): NO!

RON(jumps in front of Hermione):NO!

NEVILLE(jumps in front of Ron):NO!

(While everyone is jumping in front of each other Sirius has managed to get rid of his Voldemort costume(or lack there of)and is once again playing himself)

SIRIUS(jumps in front of Neville): NO!

LUPIN(jumps in front of Sirius): Surprise!

REMUS FANGIRLS: YAY!!!!!!!! HE GOT IN THE FIC!!!!!!

SIRIUS: Oh, my dear friend, Remus, what are you doing here? I thought you were... er... somewhere else.

REMUS: And why are you covered in white paint?

SIRIUS(checks in the script): Voldemort found out about my animagus form and he'd recognise me in it so I'm disguised as a polar bear.

REMUS: Are there polar bears in Britain?

SIRIUS: Never mind. Why are you here?

REMUS: Oh, yes. I'm here to warn you that Voldemort has returned and is trying to kill Harry!

NEVILLE: Er, we're already aware of that. Speaking of wich, wasn't he just going to kill us?

EVERYONE(looking around)

RON: Well, he seems to be gone, my noble friends. But why? That I do not know.

DUMBLEDORE(appears gracefully): My children, (yuck, this is so stupid, I'd never really say that. And why do I always appear so late? Anyway...) Lord Voldemort has fled.

SIRIUS: Obviously. But why? Did he suddenly die of a heart attack?

DUMBLEDORE: Sadly, no. We haven't yet defeated him. But your readiness to sacrafice your lives for each other today has scared him. Because love is the greatest magic.

SNAPE(rises an eyebrow)

EVERYONE:YEY!

(triumprhant music starts playing)

DUMBLEDORE: And now, everyone... GROUP HUG!

LOCKHART: CUT! Wonderful!

SNAPE(trying to get himself out of the middle of the group hug): Potter! Was that your idea? This is the crappiest thing I've ever heard!

HARRY: Well, JKR DID say I survived because my mother loved me. Would you call HER writing crap?

SNAPE: That's a point... What's that noise?

Loud chatter is heard, many voices arguing.

AUTHOR: That's just the fans. OK, OK, what do you want?

REMUS FANS: Is Remy going to play a bigger role in the movie? Don't you dare tell me he just appeared to make an idiot of himself.

AUTHOR: Yes, he'll have a bigger part. Anything else.

SNAPE FANGIRLS: How come we get to see Sirius nacked but not Snape?

SNAPE: Er, Ladies, could we...

SNAPE FANGIRLS: And perhaps you could chain him to a wall or something.

SNAPE: What???

AUTHOR: I told you they're uncontrolable.

SNAPE(gulps): Didn't you say you were a fan of mine too?

AUTHOR(smiles rather viciously): Yes, sweety.

SNAPE: But the rating...

HARRY FANGIRLS: Hey, it's not fair! We want Harry nacked too then!

All types of different characters' fangirls start shouting along with the slash lovers who's demands are not suitable to be written here.

AUTHOR: I better finish this chapter here before they tear me to pieces!

END OF DAY SIX, PART TWO


	10. DAY SEVEN, PART ONE

THE SHOOTING OF HOGWARTS, THE MOVIE

Disclaimer: JKR owns them all.

A/N: THANK YOU, THANK YOU for the wonderful reviews! As you can see, they got me writing again when I had completely forgotten about this story. But I'll have to beg you to RandR my LotR story too, because I'm getting desperate. I know nothing really interesting has happened there yet, but it will and reviews are the story's life force.

And now... (drumroll)

DAY SEVEN, PART ONE

(Somewhere deep in the dungeons)

SNAPE: Alright, I admit it. Even I have never been to this part of the dungeons. Why are we here?

LUPIN: Because we need a REALLY deserted place for these scenes.

SIRIUS: Why?

LUPIN: So the students wouldn't hear the screams.

(Snape and Sirius look at each other.)

BOTH: Screams?

LUPIN: Well, yeah. The kids might find them disturbing.

SIRIUS: (a bit nervously) Moony, why is it just the three of us here?

LUPIN: To save time. The others are somwere else in the castle, shooting a different scene.

SNAPE: Er... right.

(Meanwhile Lupin ushers them trough a thick door and into a dark room.)

SIRIUS: (whispering urgently to Snape) And what scene are WE supposed to shoot today?

SNAPE: How should I know!

SIRIUS: Merlin, I promise to read the script from now on!

SNAPE: This place is creepy.

SIRIUS: (stares at him) Did YOU just say that?

SNAPE: (gulps, in a small voice) Wait a minute, isn't the full moon today?

LUPIN: Yes, the fool moon is today! (doubles over and starts making strange sounds)

SNAPE AND SIRIUS: AAAAAAAAAARGH!

LUPIN: (doubles even more, giggling) I'm joking! The full moon is in two days. Now is the FOOL moon, ha-ha!

SIRIUS: Moony, I'm gonna kill you!

LUPIN: Calm down, Sirius, no murders. We've gotta keep the rating... er, K I think, according to the new system.

SIRIUS: (instantly shrinking backwards) Yeah. The rating. Right...

SNAPE: (muttering) What's with this guy and the rating? He's worse than Molly. (louder) And what are you complaining about anyway? You're an animagus, he's no danger to you.

LUPIN: I think he was concerned about you, Severus.

SNAPE AND SIRIUS: What!

LUPIN: Well, at least I hope he was. It would make things easier.

SNAPE: Things? What things?

(At that moment the heavy door slams shut and locks)

SNAPE: What the...

LUPIN: (from the other side of the door) In case you were wondering, guys, this is the scene where both of you are cought by Death Eaters and have to learn to work together to escape. Since Lockhart is busy and can't be here to direct you, we decided that it would be best if you actually experienced the real thing. To be more realistic, you know. That may also be benefitial to you from a psychological point of view. Being forced to put behind your differences and all that. Now, I'll just attach the camera to this small window here... There, it's working. Action!

Have fun, guys. And I'll be on my way. I have a scene to attend too.

SNAPE: LUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!

SIRIUS: MOONY YOU'RE SO DEAD!

(The screams follow Lupin as he exits the dungeons, smirking)

END OF DAY SEVEN, PART ONE

A/N: Yeah, I know this is short but I'm still warming up. You'll find out how Severus and Sirius spent their time in the dungeons in the next chapie :0. Man, I had forgotten how much fun writing this could be. Love to all and PLEASE review!


	11. DAY SEVEN, PART TWO

THE SHOOTING OF HOGWARTS, THE MOVIE

Disclaimer: Big surprise. Harry Potter is not mine.

A/N: Geez, I can't believe I'm getting so many reviews for this story! They're so many I can't answer them personally. Thank you, people, thank you so much. Just like any author, I update much faster when I have reviews. THANK YOU!

It's sad my other story doesn't get as many... Well, that's life.

DAY SEVEN, PART TWO

Somewhere in the dungeons.

(Snape and Sirius are sitting at the opposite corners of the room.)

SIRIUS: (drums his fingers on the wall- Tap, tap, tap.)

SNAPE: (glares at him)

SIRIUS: (Tap, tap, tap.)

SNAPE: (glares harder)

SIRIUS: (Tap, tap, tap, balances chair on two legs and starts swinging, swing, swing, swing.)

SNAPE: (trying to stay calm) Don't be a kid, stop that.

SIRIUS: (TAP, TAP, SWING, SWING!)

SNAPE: BLACK!

SIRIUS: (Startled, looses his balance, drops to the ground and passess out.)

SNAPE: Er... Black? Stop being an idiot, you... idiot. (Stands up, crosses the room and pokes Sirius with his foot.)

SIRIUS: Mph.

SNAPE: (Slaps him several times)

SIRIUS: Mph, mph!

SNAPE: Wake up!

SIRIUS: Mph.

SNAPE: Fine then! (Grabs the chair from the corner and rises it above Sirius' head.

SIRIUS: (Opens eyes suddenly) Where am I?

SNAPE: Yeah, right.

SIRIUS: Who are you?

SNAPE: Black, just stop, O.K.?

SIRIUS: And who am I, for that matter?

SNAPE: (Looks at him closely, waves a hand before his face.)

SIRIUS: (Blinks)

SNAPE: You really don't remember who you are?

SIRIUS: No.

SNAPE: You are, erm, my faithful servant?

SIRIUS: (Sceptical look) Somehow, I doubt that.

SNAPE: (Shrugs) I had to try.

SIRIUS: Mind telling me the truth now?

SNAPE: You are a convicted criminal.

SIRIUS: Right. The truth, please.

SNAPE: That's it.

SIRIUS: Really?

SNAPE: Yes.

SIRIUS: Oh... And you are?

SNAPE: Hmm... The Minister of Magic?

SIRIUS: Duh. Like hell you are.

SNAPE: (Shrugs) Had to try...

SIRIUS: This is annoying, not remembering anything. Do you think you can do something about it?

SNAPE: What do you think I am? A brain surgeon or something?

SIRIUS: No idea.

SNAPE: (Blinks) Sure. OK. (Thinks for a moment, realises something and a nasty smile starts spreading across his face.) Actually, I know a way to get you back to normal.

SIRIUS: Really? What?

SNAPE: (Whithout warning hits him in the head with the chair.- BANG)

SIRIUS: (Blinks and starts singing "Love me tender" by Elvis.)

SNAPE: (BANG)

SIRIUS: (Does a chicken impression.)

SNAPE: (BANG)

SIRIUS: I don't think we're in Cansas, Toto!

SNAPE: (BANG)  
SIRIUS: I'm Voldemort, beware!

SNAPE: Argh! (BANG BANG BANG!)

SIRIUS: OUCH!

SNAPE: Black? Is that you?

SIRIUS: No, it's the Little Red Riding Hood!

SNAPE: Oh! (Prepares to hit him again.)

SIRUS: Of course it's me, you jerk!

SNAPES: (Lowers the chair, thinks, then rises it again.) Come to think of it, this is not a reason not to hit you.

LUPIN: (voice from the other side of the door) You guys having fun? Got any nice shots? I'm afraid you'll have to stay there for a bit more. I gave the key to Neville and he seems to have lost it.

SIRIUS: What!

SNAPE: WHAT!... The shots?... Hey, wait a minute! (Suddenly grins like a mad man)

SIRIUS: What's wrong with you?

SNAPE: I just realised. This whole thing is RECORDED!

SIRIUS: What is recorded?

SNAPE: Oh, I'll make sure this gets into the movie!

SIRIUS: What?

SNAPE: (evil laughter) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

SIRIUS: What?

SNAPE: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Ten minutes later, while the others are looking for the key.)

SIRIUS: I really wish you'd tell me what's on that tape.

SNAPE: TEEEE-HEEEEEEEE! BWAHAHA!

SIRIUS: (sigh)

(Half an hour later, while the others are trying to bring down the door.)

SNAPE: BWAHAHAHA!

SIRIUS: Alright! You can stop now!

SNAPE: BWAHAHA!

SIRIUS: ARGH!

(An hour later while the others are using a burner on the door.)

SNAPE: (you know)

SIRIUS: GET ME OUTTA HERE!

SNAPE: (Winks at the camera) He-he!

SIRIUS: SNAPE!

SNAPE: (Startled slips, falls, hits his head and passess out)

SIRIUS:Hey, Snape! (Slaps him)

SNAPE: (Blinks) Where am I?

END OF DAY SEVEN, PART TWO

A/N: Sirius fans, don't kill me!


End file.
